My Mind at Night

I have insomnia. Sometimes my mind insists on keeping me awake even when my body screams for sleep, and I have no choice but to let it. Drawing helps me put things into perspective and halts the progression of my negative thoughts before they pull me deeper into the dark, bottomless pit that I dig myself. This drawing took several months to complete, because I worked on it only when I was feeling anxious, mostly at nighttime. Charcoal isn’t my preferred medium as I’m a perfectionist and end up covered in it, but I felt it worked best to convey the emotions I was trying to express. I’m grateful to have things I can do that silence my mind – I know that not everyone does.


10 Things that Irrationally Terrify Me

10 Things that Irrationally Terrify Me

  1. When I close my eyes to wash shampoo out of my hair. You never know what kind of psychopathic murders could enter the bathroom and attack me whilst I’m soapy and vulnerable.
  2. Leaving a store without having purchased anything. ‘Will the employees think I’ve shoplifted? I didn’t steal anything I swear. Oh my god, what if the alarms go off? I look so suspicious right now. BE COOL, you’re innocent!’
  3. “We’ll start by getting to know each other. Everyone tell me your name and bit about yourself.” Does this even need explaining?
  4. Have you ever had an animal stare at you intently for no reason whatsoever? They know things. I don’t know what things… but things.
  5. *the power cuts out* ‘OHMYGOD I AM GOING TO DIE!
  6. When someone knocks on the door and I not-so-smoothly dive out of view, even though the postman totally sees me and thinks I’m a few raisins short of a fruitcake.
  7. Small holes. If you don’t already know about trypophobia – google it. Or don’t. Consider yourself warned.
  8. Knowing that sewer rats can swim through the pipes and potentially end up in my toilet. Just imagine if you heard splashing and squeaking underneath your butt as you peed! I’m pretty sure the whole neighbourhood would hear my screams of terror.
  9. Eating any kind of meat from a can. I don’t even know if it can be called meat, but it’s terrifying stuff… whatever it is.
  10. The thought that I have the ability to kill someone if I so desired. It’s pretty terrifying to know that the only things stopping everyone from going on a murder spree is rational thought and basic human decency.

What a way to end this list! Don’t pretend like you haven’t had those kinds of thoughts, the intrusive ones that your brain conjures up when you’re holding a sharp knife or standing on the edge of a cliff. I’m glad they’re only fleeting, but it’s still quite jarring to know what our minds are capable of. Anywho, I hope this list made you feel a bit better about any irrational fears you may have, and I hope you’re having a terror-free day, wherever you may be! :3


Anxiety & Turtle Potties

Imagine this. You’re about to go for a shower. The water is running; you’re eager to feel its warmth cascade from the shower head and caress your bare skin. When you step inside, your breath lodges in your throat. The water is freezing cold, liquid icicles trickling down your body and holding you in place. Each breath becomes more frantic than the last as you struggle to maintain control. You’re frozen, helpless to the icy droplets piercing your skin, like daggers. All it takes is one simple motion, one step. Amidst your panic, you somehow manage to grip the tap and turn it off, leaving you gasping for air. You stand there, naked and vulnerable, tears mixing with droplets as they fall down the drain. Every thought you had before you stepped foot into the shower is gone. All you can think about is the lingering feeling of fear and the suffocating layer of water clinging to your skin.

I’m an anxious person, and have been since birth. My parents like to remind me of the crippling fear I once had as a toddler, when I was deathly afraid of my green turtle potty. Apparently, I’d look down in horror at what I had produced and would run away in hysterics. My anxiety lessened when I progressed to the ‘big toilet’, which had been fitted with a toilet training seat just for me. One afternoon, my mother asked my father if he could watch me for ten minutes whilst she showered; a task that he’d been given multiple times before. On this particular occasion however, something went awry and my parents were alerted to my blood curdling screams coming from our second bathroom. To their dismay, they found me red-faced and hysterical with a toilet seat stuck firmly around my neck. No amount of pulling, lifting or greasing would remove it, which left them wondering how on earth I’d gotten it over my head to begin with. With only one thing left that they could think to do, I was buckled into my car seat as we drove down the road where a bewildered family friend promptly removed the plastic seat with a tool resembling garden shears. My memory of this is vague, although I’m pleased to report that I have not been permanently scarred by this incident. Apart from some minor anxiety surrounding public bathrooms and people hearing me pee, I’m handling things pretty well these days. :3

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that anxiety ebbs and flows. The things that make us anxious today are unlikely to make us feel the same way a year from now. Anxiety isn’t something that will ever disappear completely. We learn to manage it and push through the irrational thoughts and negative voices in our heads, because that is the only thing we can do. We will not be ruled by anxiety, and although there will be bad days, we won’t let them stop us from achieving greatness… even if that means peeing loudly for the world to hear!